In case you missed it, click here for part one
20)Dallas Stars – I remember watching a Blackhawks/Stars game with my parents last season and noticing one thing, and one thing only. They have the same exact home jerseys as the Blackhawks do! Exchange green for red and there is no difference at all. -70 points for being copy cats. Nobody likes a copy cat.
19)Minnesota Wild – These look like what I imagine a 10 year old would come up with on an NHL Jersey Creator. Also, listed as one of their colors is “Minnesota wheat” and that’s definitely not a color, that’s a grain. Who gets to come up with these stupid color names? Does Crayola own that corner? Say, for example, I somehow came up with a new shade of brown, and I wanted to name it. Is it like a comet and whomever finds it gets to name it themselves? Or do I have to send in my submission to Crayola and they’ll name it whatever they want?
18)New Jersey Devils – It is virtually impossible for me to hear/see/think about the New Jersey Devils without thinking of David Puddy and David Puddy only.
17)Vancouver Canucks – It’s really just a bad look. But there is one saving grace, and the only reason they’re ranked 17th and not 27th. The jerseys themselves make their players look large and menacing during game action. During those years when the Blackhawks were facing off against the Canucks in the playoffs for seemingly four rounds in a row, I always thought Roberto Luongo was the scariest looking dude out there. Even the twins, Henrik and Daniel Sedin both listed at 6’2”, looked about a foot taller and 35 pounds bigger than everyone else playing. Maybe I was just making that all up in my head. It had to come from somewhere though right?. It would be unlike me to make stuff up….
16)Washington Capitals – A whole lotta sizzle, not a lotta steak. There are stripes coming from 8 different angles on these things. Extra points though for the seamstress (is a male seamstress called a streamster? That sounds like a sub-genre of hipsters that I’m sure exists but they’re so hipster that nobody even knows about them) for inventing brand new angles to put a stripe on a jersey. And the L as a hockey stick? Not subtle at all, but totally works.
15)Tampa Bay Lightning – I was going to go with something about their simple, clean, slick logo. Or possibly something about their “we ain’t tryin to do too much” jerseys that look even better during game action. But nope, none of that matters because rumor has it, at one point the former financial backers for this team were connected to the Yakuza. Yes, that Yakuza, the infamous Japanese crime syndicate. Is there a better money laundering front for a Japanese crime organization than a hockey team? Where would that rank on list of place to check for shady asian crime business? Would it be the 750th place you’d check? Even that might get a snicker or two from your fellow FBI co-workers.
14)Anaheim Ducks – Black and gold is the undisputed best color combination for a sports uniform, but there just seems to be something missing here. Maybe it’s the dull gold. Maybe, it’s the fact that this team will never ever ever ever be anything to me other than a group of misfit teenagers brought together by the greatest damn coach this damn planet’s ever seen. And you know exactly who I’m talking about.
13)Edmonton Oilers – I love that they’ve said “screw it, we’re going to look like a sports franchise from the 80s and we don’t care” I LOVE these jerseys. They aren’t trying to be hip, slick, or any of those other stupid buzzwords a team uses when they unveil a new look for their team. Even seeing these jerseys in HD is a little off putting, They should just go all out on their broadcasts and have old school graphics and slightly less quality audio. If these dudes on the team were smart, they’d all go that extra mile and grow mullets and mustaches. I don’t see what could possibly be stopping them.
12)Los Angeles Kings – By far the most disappointing jersey/logo combination in sports. You’re telling me these are the best a team named the Kings in Los freaking Angeles could come up with??? Maybe my expectations are just high because of the glitz and glamour of the city they play in. I vote they make Joffrey Baratheon slouching over the Iron Throne with an apathetic look on his face the logo, make the colors Lannister crimson and gold, and call it a day.
11)New York Islanders – Sibling of the “teams that look like they’re teams from the 80s” corner the Oilers occupy. Only they’re the sliiigghtllyyyyy more successful older brother. I’m just really disappointed my research for the Islanders didn’t yield any small animal deaths, because this was our last shot for this section. Oh wait, it totally did! In 2009, before a pre-season game, Islanders star rookie John Tavares was going through his usual pre-game routine when suddenly an Elephant burst through the locker room doors and begin terrorizing everything in sight. Luckily, being an accomplished poacher, Tavares had an elephant rifle sitting in his locker and was able to save the day. The rest of that season whenever Tavares scored a goal the fans would all throw elephant tusks onto the ice. This practice was stopped though, when a tusk went through the heart of a referee and he died on a bloody mess on the ice in front of a sell out crowd. There’s also a good chance I made that whole thing up for sake of continuity.