One quick question before I dive into this, why are they called Power Rankings? Has anyone truly answered that? Who coined the phrase? Why are these ranking so powerful? Do the Power Rangers have anything to do with them? What are the Power Rankings for the Power Rangers? Tommy obvi number one, and Billy obvi at the bottom
I just used obvi twice…..Well this is off to a fast start. Here’s all the NBA teams ranked, starting with dog doo-doo and making our way up to the king of the castle…
30: Philidelphia 76ers – If I were Will Smith I’d want to get the hell out of town too. Look these guys aren’t just bad, they are making a mockery of the words “professional basketball team”. They’re running out a Division II roster every night and aren’t apologizing for it.
29: Milwaukee Bucks – While every fan in Milwaukee eagerly awaits football season and a phone call from Ryan Bruan, they are stuck in NBA hell watching their Bucks. You know what the worst part about the Bucks this season is? THEY WERE TRYING TO WIN! They spent money in the offseason because their owner was desperate for those two playoff gates during their inevitable first round sweep. But they are so bad they’re worse than all of the “tanking” teams. Let’s all raise a glass and toast to your 2017 Seattle Superbucks!
- If I close my eyes, the scary monster will go away
28: New York Knickerbockers – What a mess. What an absolute mess. While desperately trying anything they possibly can to make sure Carmelo Anthony sticks around for another 5 years, they are screwing up just about everything a basketball team can screw up. Trade away all our first round picks for the forseeable future you say? Sure why not. Oh and you want us to pay a bunch of money to players that haven’t ever sniffed anything close to success? I WANT ALL OF THEM! The Knicks front office are like terrible Pokemon trainers. “I want that Rattatta and I want that Meowth, and you know what? Fuck it, give me a Porygon while you’re at it. I’ll show Ash this time”
27: New Orleans Pelicans – There’s like, tons of talent on this roster. I wish I could be there every day to figure out why nothings working. Hey at least they have Anthony Davis and a high pick in this years stacked draft….oh wait they traded it to Philly for Jrue Holliday. Oh yeah, uh, good call
26: Denver Nuggets – Massai Ujiri left a bigger mess behind him when he left town than Bourban Street after Fat Tuesday. Then everyone thought for a second, “Hmm maybe this guy isn’t as good as we all thought”, then he traded Andrea Bargnani to the Knicks for a holographic Charizard and everyone was like “ohhhh yeah that’s right”. Alright that’s enough with the Pokemon references I promise
- And now I lay thee down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep
25: Los Angeles Lakers – If you got in a Delorean and went back to 2010 and showed Lakers fans their future roster, they would take a shotgun, cock it, hand it to you and say “Just do it already, just effin do it man”
24: Boston Celtics– Brad Stevens is going to be a great coach in this league and he’s going to have oddles and boodles of success, but this isn’t the team he’s going to do it with. When Kelly Olynyk’s hair is your third best player, you’re probably in trouble.
23: Sacramento Kings – When there was free League Pass about a month ago, I was able to catch a Kings game. This was my first post-Rudy Gay era Kings game, and Isiah Thomas was lighting things up for my fantasy team, so I wanted to check them out. What I found on that fateful night should never be shown to a young basketball player ever under any circumstances. Isiah Thomas got a steal and took it up the left wing. He had Jason Thompson on his right on a 2-on-0 fast break. Now basically every good point guard who’s ever played basketball passes the ball off to the big man on the break, because ya know, that’s what a point guard does. What does Isiah do? Takes it up himself as Thompson throws his hands up in disbelief. Thomas’s weak lay-up attempt obviously gets blocked from behind by a bigger player trailing the break, which then lead to a basket on the other end. The next possession Demarcus Cousins gets fouled and goes to the line. Now I don’t know why the player chatter was so audible through the TV but every Kings player on the floor was screaming at each other. Rudy Gay was pissed Isiah blew that lay-up. Isiah was pissed that he just got embarrassed so he fires back. Demarcus Cousins is pissed because he’s trying to shoot free throws and his team won’t stop shouting at each other. This literally lasted for two free throws and all the dead period in between. I’ve never seen anything like it in the NBA.
22: Detroit Pistons – “Here you go Josh Smith, here’s 54 million dollars. Also please don’t change. Keep bricking 3’s and long 2’s all night long” – Joe Dumars, future unemployed NBA GM
21: Utah Jazz – #SORRY4JABARI #SORRY4JABARI #SORRY4JABARI….oh what’s that? They don’t have Twitter in Utah? My bad
20: Atlanta Hawks – There’s talent there, and there’s talent coming in from over-seas, but losing Al Horford absolutely annihilated this team. They were the clear cut 3 seed in the East, and now they’re the clear cut…well they aren’t clear cut anything. When’s the last time the Hawks were clear cut something? Talk about the most irrelevant franchise ever.
- Sorry Magic fans
19: Orlando Magic – I bet those fans down in Disney World cannot wait to draft another transcendent player only to have him leave them for Los Angeles 5 years later. What a miserable feeling that must be. This team’s bad right now, but at least they’re bad with a plan. Looking at you New York
18: Cleveland Cavaliers – I’m so sorry Luol. You gave blood, sweat, and tears to the city of Chicago for 9 and a half years. You literally almost died for us last year. Then we sent you to Cleveland, where dreams go to die. On behalf of the city of Chicago, I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry. You deserved better
17: Charlotte Bobcats – Al Jefferson is a throwback. He reminds us of different times in the NBA, when 3 point shooting didn’t really matter that much, and big guys were the most important guys on the roster. You drop stepped right into my heart this season Big Al. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re the most fun big guy to watch in the league by far right now, and you’re doing it all in Charlotte and not giving a damn about it.
16: Golden State Warriors – Klay Thompson was supposed to take a leap, he didn’t. Harrison Barnes was going to thrive in the 6th man role, he didn’t. This team still has a lot to figure out before it gets to playoff time. Last four minutes of a close game 5, who do they have on the court? I don’t even think Mark Jackson knows at this point, and they kind of need to figure that out. Or Steph can just catch fire again and none of that will even matter. But they should start winning games soon, the clocks ticking
15: Minnesota Timberwolves – This team wouldn’t ever come off the court at the Rec. Unfortunately I was just informed the NBA isn’t open gym so it’s not exactly working. This late playoff push is fun though. I like watching them
14: Memphis Grizzlies – Mark Gasol is healthy and up to his old tricks. Nobody wants to see them in the first round if they make it. The Thunder and Spurs might specifically go for the 2nd seed to avoid them. I’m being dead serious.
13: Brooklyn Nets – This weird small but actually kind of big line-up is working somehow. They’re still no fun at all to watch, but not as much of a train wreck as they were early in the season. Now what to do with Robin Lopez and his may never be the same again foot? Not like they’re going to pay 80 million in luxery tax or anything OH WAIT
- This is the hero we deserve
12: Phoenix Suns – Goran Dragic took his All Star snub to heart and has officially unleashed the dragon upon every guard in the league. Nobody is more fun to watch right now and Eric Bledsoe will be back soon. On our podcast I mentioned how I thought the Suns would tailor off big time in the second half, and he took that comment, smashed it up into a ball like a Monstar and took it on a one man fast break and went right at the basket like it ain’t no thang.
11: Washington Wizards – John Wall has officially become John Wall. He’s a superstar now, and will be for a long time. Nene getting hurt doesn’t help, but they’ve kept churning out wins like they have been all season. It’s about time we took these guys for real.
10: Toronto Raptors – Honestly, how good are these guys? Does anyone really know? Do the people of Toronto know? If they play the Wizards in the 4/5 first round match-up does anyone actually win? Or will it be 7 games of ties? When is Drake gonna say fuck it and actually come out in a warm-up and sit on the bench? Why am I asking so many questions?
9: Dallas Mavericks – Rick Carlisle is the most underrated basketball coach of all time. I’m just going to leave it at that.
- Yeah, I’m awesome
8: Chicago Bulls – The season from hell has turned into the season of “Fuck it, we’re just gonna go kick everyone’s ass and not think twice about it” These guys just do not make mistakes. You have to be on your A-game against them and I know for a fact Miami does not want them in the second round. The Heat will obviously win, but they know the Indiana war is coming next, and would much rather play the Raptors/Wiz.
7: Portland Trailblazers – Everyones early season “Are They For Real Question Mark” team are finally facing some adversity. Them pushing through it and still succeeding shows me they might have a playoff run in them after all
6: San Antonio Spurs – Just keep winning, just keep winning, just keep winning. Health is a major concern moving forward, but somehow everyone forgets they were a defensive rebound away from winning the championship last year. How has everyone forgot that already?
5: Houston Rockets – Putting it all together at just the right time. They’re probably a year away (Melo? Maybe?), but they’re kicking ass finally. James Harden is still playing “defense” about as well as I could right now, but I know he knows what it’s going to take come Spring
4:Oklahoma City Thunder – Once Westbrook gets into basketball shape and he and Durant get their chemistry back, they will be dangerous. They’re probably the most talented team in the NBA right now with Serge surging onto the offensive scene (see what I did there?). After two years of everyone telling Scotty Brooks that Kendrick Perkins is god awful, maybe him getting hurt will finally help him realize it. Watch out, because their Westbrook/Jackson/Sefolosha/Durant/Ibaka line-up is going to do major damage in the coming months
3: Indiana Pacers – Obviously Paul George couldn’t keep up his unreal shooting pace from the beginning of the season. But the whole team has regressed big time offensively. We all know the Indiana/Miami series is coming, and they do too. That’s really what everything is and will be about for them going forward. Where will the offense come from though?
2: Los Angeles Clippers – Big Baby pick-up is huge. So huge it makes me want to throw keyboards all over hotel lobbies. Can they beat the Spurs or the Thunder in the second round? I think they can. But there’s also the possibility Deandre Jordan can completely collapse in the abyss come big game time. He’s going to have to play 40 minutes of quality big man basketball for them to have any chance against either of those teams. And I’m honestly not sure if he can do it.
- Right? Right?
1: Miami Heat – They’re the champs until further notice and they’re proving it every day seemingly. The time is now for teams to figure it all out and get into playoff mode, and nobody’s doing it better than the Heat right now. Who can beat Lebron when he’s playing like this?