Sooooooooo, she’s a train wreck huh?
I’ve been down with Nany since her Real World season. She was the first ever Real World-er I followed on Twitter. She was my Real World crush up until Laura showed up in St. Thomas
But now? Good Lord, talk about going from mermaid to manatee
She was a mess; crying about Bananas even though he clearly has zero feelings for her anymore and possibly never did, getting fits of jealousy when he talks to his girlfriend back home, wondering why these dudes from reality TV treat her like she’s just some girl from reality TV….oh wait
Get it together Nany, no more tears. What ever happened to Cohutta? Oh lemme guess, he was too nice. Nany is an amalgam of all the girls that strung along nice guys in high school only to hook up with the running back after the football game.
So let’s have a toast to crazy ex girlfriends everywhere!
Winner: All of us who have put countless hours into watching reality television
Reality TV is mindless entertainment. There’s no deep layers to peel back, what you see is what you get. TV/Movie elitists will scoff it off as being scripted and “so stupid”, but honestly I don’t care how scripted or “so stupid” it is. For an hour a week I get to just sit back and watch other people function in high stress situation while I’m on my couch eating Flamin Hots.
But for all of us who have put in the hours, paid for those flamin hots, and remembered to set our DVRs consistently over all these years were finally rewarded in what was the best possible segment of reality TV possible. So let’s break down whatever the hell it was that happened at the Real World house that night and give a little play-by-play…
-Tony makes out with Madison at the club with his ex girlfriend and his ex-ex girlfriend standing right there watching
-Alyssa, Tony’s ex-ex drops the “you play with everyone’s emotions” card on the table during the cab ride home
-Tony punches two holes in the weird bathroom wall shouting “THEY PUT ME IN THIS SHIT! THEY DON’T EXPECT ME TO DO THIS!”
-Jason decides that when everyone’s hammered that this is the perfect time to profess his love for Sylvia and invite her salsa dancing, to which she responds “I’m crazy, you don’t want me”. More on that crazy in a bit…
-Violetta gets in Madison’s face and starts screaming things like “IF YOU EVER GOD DAMN GET IN MY FACE AGAIN” while she’s, again, screaming in Madison’s face
-Violetta gives Madison the Heisman stiff arm and they start doing the “push up against each other because we don’t seriously want to fight” move
-Jason says to Sylvia, “I have a crush like I was in middle school” to which she responds by sprinting out to the patio, grabbing Madison’s hair pulling her backwards, and taking her to the ground in a rear naked choke-hold that would make Dana White blush
-Thankfully here we get a commercial break to refill on Flamin Hots and catch our breath
-Right back into the action where Bruno and Nicole pull the crazies away from each other, leading a sobbing Madison running out onto the streets of Chicago.
-Tony hops the patio walls like a guy running from the cops after he just stole a TV from a Best Buy to go find Madison
-Things calm down for a bit as Jason puts on his preacher costume and consoles Sylvia outside
-Tony runs in the house “EVERYBODY BETTER BE GOOD TO MADISON” getting the crowd all riled up again, because for the millionth time, Tony’s an idiot
-Tony goes to Madison’s bed, with the intention of dry humping her leg I think or something like that, trying to tell a crying Madison not to go home
-Madison claims Tony “relates to me on like a different level”. The level being you’re hot and he’s a woman seeking robot with no control over his human desires
-Elizebeth, Tony’s first ex, follows him into the laundry room doing a weird bunny-hop/jog where they take a trip to pound town because of course they do, because this is the most amazing episode of reality TV ever
-As they walk out of the laundry room, Alyssa, who has been searching for Tony all over the house, comes upon them
-She goes right to Tony’s room to give him the “you can’t play everybody, eventually everyone catches on” lesson that he needs to get tattooed on his forearm
-Alyssa then says “Well, on this note, JAYYSSOON YOU WANNA SNUGGLE?”
-Then to cap it alllll off Alyssa goes and sleeps in Jason’s bed
When producers cast and come up with the concept for a reality television show, this exact night is what they are hoping to get. That was pantheon level stuff. This must have been what it was like to watch Larry Bird in his prime. Amazing. What a time to be alive.
Winner: The Pool of Challenge Competitors
This is the 2001 Miami Hurricanes of Real World seasons. Tony, Bruno, Jason, Violetta, Nicole, and Sylvia is the deepest crop of Challenge prospects we’ve ever seen. The franchise is in good hands with these crazies.
The there’s-nothing-up-here look in her eyes, the constant need to remind us that she’s a “model”, and the fact that a single toe falls off my foot every time one of her cringe-worthy interviews unfortunately comes up on my screen
Listen MTV, if you never want me to walk again so I have no choice but to watch your channel, that’s kind of messed up. Get her out of America’s fourth most important sport. Please? We’re all so loyal to you and you provide us with her? Seriously? Aneesa wasn’t available? Her strip club schedule a little too hectic to get on this season?
Party at my place that start the minute Jay and Jenna get eliminated. Beer and tequila will be provided, bring at least three people. Questlove will be the in house DJ. Nobody named Jay or Jenna will be allowed in.
Thanks for reading, follow us on twitter @AWRPodcast, be tuned in for some Challenge talk on the AWR Podcast coming later this week, and make sure to tell your daughters to never, ever, ever sign up for an MTV show. One Love, One Mic. See you next week!