Well Tuesday’s got a feeling now doesn’t it Kosmo! From now on, Tuesday is the best day of the week. The Real World and The Challenge on the same night? How did we get so lucky! I’m not going to beat around the bush too much. In case you missed it, you can find my pre-season Challenge team breakdown here, and now let’s get to it. Here are the winners and losers from last night.
Winner: Chicago Bar Tabs – This is twice now, in only four episodes, where the roommates paying for the bar tab that just miraculously skyrocketed has become a huge issue that brings Sylvia to the point where she needs to SCREAM AND SHOUT AND LET IT ALL OUT.
I still don’t quite understand how it’s taken 30 seasons for paying bar tabs to be a problem. Cook County taxes are even taking a toll on reality television. Somebody should tell them Will County is about a 30 minutes cab ride southwest, and everything’s way cheaper. Have fun smoking your 15 dollar pack of cigarettes Tony!
Loser: Sylvia – So far she’s checked off as many of the cliche Real World-er boxes as one can in four episodes. Made out with a roommate on the first night, cried in the confessional, shouted at roommates for no reason, peed in the confessional, participated in an NBA-esque HOOOOLLLDDD ME BACK fight, and caught feelings for another roommate. And now she get’s the first skeleton? Been a rough start to reality television for the Mexican Marilyn Monroe. Of course MTV’s making us wait until next week to see how this all goes down with the new girl in the house. The “skeletons” twist this season is going to be make or break for these themes. If it works, there will be something like it in every season from now till eternity, but if this all comes off forced and gets negative feedback, they’ll have to scrap it and go back to the drawing board.
Winner: City of Chicago – Call me a homer, but the Bunim/Murray family is making Chicago look as beautiful as it is in real life. The b-roll of the city is better than I even expected it to be and I live here. Ok, taking off my Bulls jersey now.
Winner: All of us – THE CHALLENGE IS BACK! HOORAY FOR EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD! WE CAN ALL JUST BE HAPPY AND JOYOUS FROM NOW ON! NO MORE FIGHTING! RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS AND WHAT NOT!
Winner/Loser: The Rookies – On one hand I finally get to watch Averey/bae on TV again. On the other hand they picked the four lamest possible cast members from Ex-Plosion. No Jenny? No crazy Brian? A boy can dream can’t he?
Loser: Dustin – “As much as the game is my mission, making friends is my mission.” The easiest possible way to not make friends is to try and make friends. Come on bro, did you skip 6th-8th grade? And then his little pout fest at the end about always being an outcast because of his gay porn past, I mean come on man. As the great Tyrion Lannister said, “Let me give you some advice, bastard; Never forget what you are. The rest of the world won’t. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you. Especially if you did gay porn” I may or may not have made that last sentence up.
Winner: The Bananas/Wes Rivalry – Still as strong as ever, these two just hate each other. Wes was the happiest kid in Panama when he realized he had a chance to send Bananas into the elimination. I haven’t seen a grin like that since I opened up my first Nintendo 64. “Fuck you for even making me have this conversation, by the way” is already a legendary line that will go on Bananas’ Hall of Fame plaque. Now that both of them have strong partners, I cannot wait to see how it plays out between two living legends.
Loser: MTV – I’ve made my Diem thoughts very clear in this column, so I’ll leave it alone for the most part. I just felt really really uncomfortable watching Diem talk about wanting for have kids, and using the money she might win for that purpose. I don’t know, just made me queasy. They seem to just be YOLOing and going all the way with this whole Diem situation, which is definitely what I want. But maybe a moratorium on the “I want to be a proud mother in the future” stuff?
Check back next Wednesday for the next edition of Winners and Losers!