Jon Mother Effing Lester: A Cub Fan Freakout

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December 10th, 2014 12:21 AM Central Standard Time

That is exactly when the way I view life changed forever. I got a tweet from a guy that isn’t even following me giving me the news that Jon Mother Effing Lester signed with the Chicago Cubs. A complete stranger gave me the best news I’ve gotten in years. What a world we live in.

That’s right, we got the hot girl in the bar. We walked up to her with three other pretty good looking dudes and she chose us. As Cubs fans we’ve walked up to a lot of hot girls. Sometimes we get rejected in an embarrassing public showing (Masahiro Tanaka). Sometimes we do get the hot girl, but we wake up and it turns out she wasn’t very good looking at all and we may have had a few too many of those Vegas Bombs (Alfonso Soriano). And every single time we trip up and develop feelings for those girls, they break our hearts. But this one, this one feels different.

The things Theo Epstein and the rest of the Rat Pack up there in the Wrigley Field offices have done in just three years is absolutely incredible. But I was always skeptical. As a fan of Chicago sports, you are trained your entire life to be skeptical. Especially as a Cubs fan. You never want to fall too deep into the trap of high expectations. But this one, this one feels different

But this time, this time feels different. I don’t know what it is. I’ve the most cynical sports fan there is. I can find a reason to dial back the hive minds expectations on what one of my favorite teams can possibly do. I can find 800 reasons why this Bulls team, who is clearly talented enough to win a title, will crap out in the playoffs yet again. Or how I tempered everyone around me with high hopes going into this Bears season because of a few flashy defensive signings and look how that turned out. But this one, this one feels different.

I’m finally pulling back the curtain and letting myself believe again. I’m officially on the hype train baby! GO CUBS GO! HIT ME WITH IT!!!

HEY EDDIE VEDDER, WHATTYA SAY BUDDY!!?!??!?!?!?

HEY EDDIE MAYBE THAT SOMEDAY IS SOONER THAN YOU THINK!!!! GO CUBS GO!!!! I WANT IT AGAIN!!!!!!! GIVE IT TO ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

I GOT A FEVER!!!!!! AND THE ONLY MEDICINE IS MORE GO CUBS GO YOUTUBE MONTAGES!!!!!!!!! HIT ME!!!!!! I WANT IT!!!!!! DONT STOP!!!!!!!

SCREW IT!!!! BRING EDDIE BACK!!!!! EDDIE!!!!! WHATTYA SAY!?!?!??!?!??!?

It’s all over now. I’ve officially gone off the deep end. And you know what? I ain’t even sorry. I deserve it. WE deserve it. All of us, as Cubs fans, deserve everything we’re getting right now. Theo Epstein isn’t just the hero we deserve, he’s the one we need right now.

Kris Bryant’s Minor League numbers: 325/438/661 slash line with 43 HRs, 34 Doubles, and the 2014 Minor League Player of the Year award.

AND HE’S NOT EVEN HERE YET!!!

NEITHER IS ADDISON RUSSELL!!!! AND WE GOT HIM FOR THREE MONTHS OF JEFF SAMARDZIJA!!!!! HE WASN’T EVEN IN OAKLAND LONG ENOUGH FOR THEM TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL HIS NAME!!!!!

ONE MORE TIME!!!!

NO NO I WANT EDDIE!!!! GET BACK HERE EDDIE!!!!!

I hope at least a part of Lester’s decision is because some one from Chicago made him realize that if he led the Cubs to a championship, if he actually performed the impossible, that he would be a God. Every athlete who’s played here, loved it here. They all still live here. Dan Hampton’s job is to be Dan Hampton. He just goes everywhere being a former Chicago athlete. Everyone I know has a Dan Hampton signature, it’s not even worth anything. But we love it. We love anyone who’s brought us a championship. Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews have a very long life of never having to buy a single meal in his town ahead of them. You want to know what it would be like to be God, Lester? Get it done.

Get the job done, and you will be untouchable. We’ll name it “The Lester Bear”. “Lester Field”.

Maybe I’m overreacting, and writing this in the moment, but I don’t care. I’m excited. Cub Nation is excited. We’re all together in this. I love every single one of you for the journey we’re all about to go on together. I hope to randomly hug you outside of Wrigley as the sky literally falls when that last and final World Series winning out is recorded.

LONG HAIR DON’T CARE!!!

ONE MORE TIME!!!!

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