Meathead Top Ten 4/28/14

Edju Martin 4/28/14

#1 I was going to rant about Donald Sterling, but our old friend Snoop took care of business, as usual:

#2 Wait, the NAACP was going to honor Donald Sterling? And for the SECOND time? Who did he beat out, James Earl Ray, Marge Schott, and John Terry?

#3 So we’re going to do a Top 5 in our Top 10 this week, sponsored by this guy:

Anyways, here’s your Top 5 Sports Intro Themes:

5) FOX NFL Intro – Seems like it’s overwrought and melodramatic, much like the NFL is these days, but for whatever reason it works.

4) HBO World Championship Boxing (until 2009 or so) – When that first little riff started, you knew shit was on, and there was a major fight on offer. These days they have this shitty song with their stupid truck and a 1 1/2 second glimpse of tits that doesn’t make up for the shitshow. But the old one? Gold.

3) NBA On NBC – Not only did you get basketball’s signature theme, you had John Tesh reviving his career from being stuck co-hosting Entertainment Tonight with Mary Hart.

2) ABC Monday Night Football – And no, not Hank Williams Jr., whose version wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t this either. This is likely the most famous sports intro theme in the USA.

1) ESPN National Hockey Night – The gold standard. Combine this with a Gary Thorne intro, and I was ready to press slam a Buick, Ultimate Warrior-style, over my head.

#4 I hate Notre Dame, let’s get that out into the open right away. However, I understand their traditions, history, whatever. What I can’t comprehend is that they’re installing artificial turf in Notre Dame Stadium. Yes, the ground that Knute Rockne and the Four Horsemen once patrolled will be covered in plastic. I get at many schools it’s not in the budget to be able to maintain a grass field, especially in northern climates, but this is NOTRE DAME. Their endowment is $6.856 billion. Yes, SIX POINT EIGHT FIVE SIX BILLION DOLLARS. They can’t scrape up enough cash to keep a grass football field maintained? An embarassment.

#5 So I’m watching Sunday Night Baseball, and Mark Teixeira hits a bomb, and of a sudden there’s a siren going off at Yankee Stadium. Was there a fire, or did Zombie George Steinbrenner lurch on the field again? No, they have a fucking home run siren. You’re the Yankees, why are you doing this shit? That’s bush league shit you expect to see or hear in Albuquerque, not the House That A Lot Of Money Built.

#6 Playoff hockey rules. I think we all know this, but it needs to be reiterated. The games are as intense as anything you’ll see in American sports, and now we’re awaiting a Bruins-Canadiens war. As a Bruins fan, I always want to play the Canadiens, because beating the parlez-vous-fuck-yous is always, ALWAYS so, so sweet. Sweep the Habs? Humiliation. Outlast them in a seven-game war? Humilation. Beat them in 5 or 6? Humiliation. And the thumb-dicked Habs fans (my friend Glen excepted) can all suck it.

#7 By the way, my playoff beard is not glued-on pubes, thanks for your concern.

#8 Good on Dani Alves for eating a banana thrown at him as a racist taunt. These racist pricks need to be banned from soccer games (and other sporting events) for good. It’s 2014, who gives a shit what color someone is? I don’t give a shit if a dude is plaid, if he can play he can play, period.

#9 Was Jose Mourinho planning on going duck hunting after the Liverpool game?

#10 Let’s just end with this. Did you really think I wasn’t going to mention this?

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